Santa Claus is Dead


-I'm all for lying to children for a laugh, but at least make it fucking entertaining.

Contrary to all present sentiment I've published In Red, I find substantial merit in "just be reasonable" as the first step in a cohesive society. I can't provide you with a satisfactory definition of "reasonable" just yet, but I'm working on it.

In the late 18th century, the West began practicing a quaint form of wintry propaganda - celebrating an omniscient, seasonal home invader who'd terrorize their peaceful December nights, possessed by his ravenous obesity. Parents would inform their children of his all-seeing, year-round judgment: if they were "good," he would bring trifles, but if they were "bad," he would bring flammable resources for warmth or trade.

Of course, he was a work of fiction, but the adult populace went so far as to actually premeditate and coordinate their mass lie.

A fat God from the Wastes shall enter our house in the night without permission, but at least we'll have some coal. His society of small aliens manufactured your MacBook out of license, though, so I'm afriad you'll need to severely deface or destroy it tomorrow morning.

The thing is...

This cruel and archaic ritual is still in practice on a gargantuan scale. I'd elaborate, but my deadline is closing (I'm on the toilet,) and it's statistically likely that you're the sort of fuck who finds it heartwarming and communal that news organizations are still "in on it."

"In on it" is precisely how you describe participants in global conspiracies, as well.



Franky, The Verge's inexemption from the whole thing has made me a bit grumpy, but we don't have time for shit like this, folks.

I understand that it's important to be grounded by tradition, occasionally, but wasting any of your talent's time and resources on hundreds-year-old traditions is just foul.

If you're going to lie, at least make it entertaining.